1、 "
A man went to the doctor and explained, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
一个人跑到医生那里，说：“医生，我碰哪儿，哪儿疼。” The doctor asked, "What do you mean?" 医生问，“什么意思?” The man said, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, the pain is excruciating."
那个人说：“我摸我的肩膀的时候，真的很疼。摸膝盖的时候——哎呀!摸我的前额，真的是钻心的疼。” The doctor said, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!" 医生说：“我知道是什么问题了——你的手指受伤了。”
"2、 "A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."一个人给一家他计划在假期里停留的小旅馆写了封信，“我非常希望带着我的狗，它很干净很有教养，你能允许它和我睡一间屋子吗?”旅馆主人立即回了封信，“我经营旅馆很多年了，狗从没偷过毛巾，床单， 餐具，或者墙上的画。我也从没有在半夜因为狗喝醉胡闹而赶走它，狗也从不付帐就跑掉。实际上我们非常欢迎您的狗来我们旅馆，如果它为您担保，也欢迎您来。"
3、 "A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW."Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined."You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"《律师、宝马和胳膊》一个律师打开他的宝马车门，突然一辆汽车驶过来把门撞飞了，警察赶到现场，律师正痛苦地抱怨毁坏了他心爱的宝马。“警察同志，看看他们把我的车弄的!!!”律师哀怨地说。“你们律师真是物质至上，我很不舒服!”警察反驳说，“你这么关心你可恶的宝马，你可能没有注意到你的左胳膊也没了。”律师终于注意到了血淋淋的左肩膀，“天哪，我的劳力士手表在哪儿?”"
4、 "love letter Guy in the letters to his girlfriend wrote: "love your love so much, that would like to give you go through hell. On Saturday as it does not rain, I'll come. 小伙子在给女朋友的信中写到：“爱你爱得如此之深， 以至愿为你赴汤蹈火。星期六如不下雨，我一定来。"
5、 "late In the subway, a man found pickpocket is cutting his wallet, and humorously said: "man, you came to night! I today although took salary, but my wife lay more quickly than you!" 在地铁里，一位男子发现扒手正在掏他的钱包，便幽默地说： “老兄，你来晚了！我今天虽然领了薪水，但我太太下手比你快多了！”"
6、 "While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?" "Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!" 一个学生带他朋友们参观他的新公寓，甚是得意。“那个大铜锣和锤子是干什么用的？” 他的一个朋友问他。“那玩意儿厉害了，那是一个会说话的钟”，学生回答。“这钟怎么工作的”，他的朋友问。“看着，别眨眼了”，那学生走上前一把操起铜锣和锤子，拼命地敲了一下，声音震耳欲聋。突然，他们听到隔壁墙那边有人狂叫，“别敲了，你这白痴！现在是凌晨两点钟了！”"
7、 "We were leaving a football game in a throng1 of people,and my husband,who never displays affection in public, took my hand. I was delighted. As we walked hand in hand out of the stadium, I looked up at him, smiling, and asked, "You don't want to lose me?" "No," he said. "I don't want to look for you." 我们到人很拥挤的地方去看足球比赛。我那从来不会在公共场所显露感情的丈夫拉着我的手。我高兴极了。当我们手拉手走出体育场的时候，我抬头看着他微笑着问：“你是不想把我丢了吧？” “不，”他说，“我是不想去找你。”"
8、 "About two weeks before our fifth anniversary, my husband ased me what I would like for a gift. I told him I wanted something impractical1 and romantic. On our anniversary, he presented me with a lovely gold bracelet2. "A little four-letter word made me get this for you," he said softly. "Oh, how sweet," I whispered. "L-O-V-E?" "No," he replied. "S-A-L-E." 我们结婚五周年前大约两周时，我丈夫问我喜欢什么礼物。我告诉他我要那些没有实用价值却又富于浪漫色彩的。 在我们的周年纪念日那天，他向我展示了一副可爱的金手镯。“一个小小的四字词，让我为你买了这个。”他温和地说。 “哦，多甜蜜。”我耳语他。“L-O-V-E（爱）?” “不对，”他回答。“S-A-L-E.（处理品）”"
9、 ""Did the children behave when you bathed them?" inquired the mistress to the new French nurse, when she returned home from the party. "All but the biggest boy? We have only one boy, Freddy, and he's only two years old." "Which biggest boy? We have only one boy, Freddy, and he is only two years old." "It is not little Freddy, I mean. It is the big boy with glasses and curly hair." "Good gracious! That's not my boy, that's my husband." “你给孩子们洗澡的时候他们规矩不规矩？” 一位女士从宴会回家后对一名法国护士询问道。 “除了那个最大的男孩，其他表现都很好。在我把他放到水里之前，他又闹又踹。”护士回答道。 “哪个最大的男孩？我们只有一个男孩，弗雷德，他只有两岁。” “不是小弗雷德，我是说那个戴着眼镜卷头发的大男孩。”“老天，那不是我的孩子，那是我丈夫。”"
10、 "round and round Lao wang rested under the tree, Lao li came up and said, "hey, why not go up the hill cutting wood?" Pharaoh said: "cut wood stem what?" Lao li said: "good money! Sold into money can buy a donkey, then along home door-to-door selling wood. Zheng money will buy trucks, and then buy wood factory sells wooden ware, buy more trucks, so that you can be really rich." The old king: "fortune"? Lao li answer: "fortune can be to free and unfettered freely do well." Pharaoh said, "that you think I doing now?" 周而复始 老王在树下休息，老李走过来对他说：“嗨，为什么不去上山砍柴？” 老王说：“砍柴干什么？” 老李说：“好卖钱啊。卖到钱就可以买驴，再沿家挨户卖柴。挣了钱就再 买卡车，然后买木厂卖木 器，再买更多的卡车，那样就可以发大财了。” 老王问：“发了财干什么？” 老李答：“发了财就可以逍遥自在地享清福嘛。” 老王说：“那你以为我现在在干什么？”"
11、 "This pampered young lady had left her family for the first time to join the college and was feeling quite lonely on Thanksgiving. She decided to cook a Thanksgiving dinner for herself. She was narrating her first experience in the kitchen to her mother and mother really wanted to know about the results. When asked how the food was, the lady replied with a shudder that though the ready-made soup and pizza were great, she had quite a trouble with turkey. Trying to get to the root of the problem, the mother asked, "Was it burnt?" The lady replied, "Oh! I couldn't taste it mom. It simply wouldn't sit still!" 一位养尊处优的年轻小姐头一回离家去上大学，到了感恩节她倍感孤单。她决定为自己做一顿感恩节大餐。她正在向自己的母亲描述自己第一次做饭的经历，而母亲也很想知道结果如何。当被问及做得好不好吃，这位小姐打了一个颤说，尽管速食汤和批萨不错，但是烹饪火鸡时却遇到了不小的麻烦。她的母亲想找到问题的根源，于是就问她：“是不是烤焦了?”这位小姐回答道：“哦，我没法品尝它，妈妈。火鸡就是不肯老实地坐着!”"
12、 "A Woman Who Fell It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?" 摔倒的女人 上下班高峰期，我匆匆奔向纽约豪华中心站去赶一趟火车。接近门口，一位肥胖的中年妇女从后面冲过来，没想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了脚，仰面滑倒了。她的惯性使她接近了我的脚。我正准备扶她，她却自己爬了起来。她镇定了一下，对我挤了一下眉，说道：“总是有漂亮女人拜倒在你脚下吗？”"
13、 "It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?" 上下班高峰期,我匆匆奔向纽约豪华中心站去赶一趟火车.接近门口,一位肥胖的中年妇女从后面冲过来,没想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了脚,仰面滑倒了.她的惯性使她接近了我的脚.我正准备扶她,她却自己爬了起来.她镇定了一下,对我挤了一下眉,说道：“总是有漂亮女人拜倒在你脚下吗?”"
14、 "A guy goes to visit his grandma and he brings his friend with him. While he's talking to his grandma, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandma, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off." 一名男子带着朋友去探望他的祖母。当他和祖母聊天时，他的朋友开始吃咖啡桌上放的花生，并把花生都给吃光了。他们离开时，他的朋友对祖母说:"谢谢您的花生。" 结果祖母说:"唉！自从我牙齿掉光后，我就只能吮掉花生豆外层的巧克力了。""
15、 "A father was trying to teach his son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died. "All right, son," asked the father, "What does that show you?" "Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms." 一位父亲打算让自己的儿子知道酒精有多么可怕。他把分别把两只虫子放到一杯清水和一杯威士忌里做对比。清水里虫子安然无恙，结果威士忌里的虫子蜷缩了几下就挂掉了。"所以，儿子啊，"父亲问道，"得出什么结论？" "恩，这说明，你只要喝酒的话，肚里就不会长虫了！""
16、 "The poor husband"You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend. "She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.可怜的丈夫“你根本无法想象和我妻子打交道是多么的难，”一个男人对他的朋友诉苦说，“她问我一个问题，然后自己回答了，过后又花半个小时跟我解释为什么我的答案是错的。"
17、 "Nest and Hair My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom. "What kind of bird?" my sister asked. "I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child. "Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her . "Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. " 鸟窝与头发 我姐姐是一位小学老师。一次一个学生告诉她说一只鸟儿在教室外树上垒了个窝。 “是什么鸟呢？”我姐姐问她。 “我没看到鸟儿，老师，只看到鸟窝。”那孩子回答说。 “那么，你能给我们描述一下这个鸟巢吗？”我姐姐鼓励她道。 “哦，老师，就像你的头发一样。”"
18、 "Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and stay like that". Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned." 史密斯小姐发现她的一名学生在操场上向别人做鬼脸，便去轻责他。 这位主日学校的老师甜甜地微笑着，说："博比，我小的时候，有人告诉我如果我做鬼脸，我的脸就会僵硬，永远都那么丑。" 博比抬头看了看老师，说："史密斯小姐，你可别说没人警告过你啊。""
19、 "I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class, said an instructor at a university graduate engineering course. ""When I say 'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond 'Good afternoon.' But the graduate students just write it down."" 一个教师在研究生工程学课堂上说： "" 我一眼就能看出来哪些是本科生，哪些是研究生。 "" "" 我说 ' 下午好 ' 的时候，本科生回答 ' 下午好 ' ，而研究生则把这句话记在本子上。 """
20、 我住进宿舍的第一天，发现房间里有冷水热水两个水龙头，因为别人告诉我英国的冷水可以直接喝，我以为热水也是，于是很兴奋的用热水冲了一杯咖啡......
21、 "某男，粗通英文，至使馆，有表要填，有一栏是sex。该男思之久已，毅然下笔：“Once a week”。签证官观后暴笑，曰：“This item should be filled in with male or female.”该男顿时赧颜，思之，填下“female“，官楞之，曰：“shouldn’t it be male?”男急释曰：“I am a normal man, so I have sex with female.”"
22、 某人刻苦学习英语，终有小成。一日上街不慎与一老外相撞， 忙说：I am sorry.老外应道：I am sorry too.某人听后又道：I am sorry three.老外不解，问：What are you sorry for?某人无奈，道：I am sorry five.
23、 话说某年某月的某一天，叁个神箭手约在一起比箭，目标是十尺外仆人头上的苹果。A神箭手挽弓长射，咻一声，利箭正中苹果。A高傲的昂起下巴，比出一根大 拇指道：「I AM后羿！」B神箭手照本宣科，射中苹果，这回他自大的喊了一句：「I AM丘比特！」轮到C了，他也挽弓，利箭射出！ 结果正中仆人的心脏。就听他结结巴巴好久才吐出一句：「I...I...I...AM...SORRY...」
24、 一位来自日本的旅客，坐出租车去机场的路上，看到一辆汽车经过，就说：“oh，TOKOTA！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”又有一辆经过，他又说： “oh，NISSAN！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”司机有点不高兴，觉得他太吵了！当第三辆经过时，他还是说：“oh，HONDA！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”后来到了机场，那个日本人就问：“How Much？”出租车司机说：“1000！”日本人惊奇的问司机：“为什么那么贵？”出租车司机回答说：“oh，mileometer（计程表）！Made in Japan! It is very fast！”
25、 ""Sonia Sotomayor is testifying in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee. And she has said that she 'felt out of place attending Princeton.' Sotomayor says there were so many white males in Princeton, she felt like she was testifying in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee."索尼娅·索托马约尔现在在参议院司法委员会做听证。她曾经说过她在普林斯顿的时候感觉不太合群。索托马约尔说普林斯顿的白人太多了，她感觉她像是出席参议院司法委员会听证会一样。"
26、 Where the Declaration of Independence was signed? Teacher：“Who knows where the Declaration of In dependence was signed?” Student：“I know，I the bottom of the page.”《独立宣言》是在哪儿签字的？老师：“谁知道《独立宣言》在哪儿签字的？”学生：“我知道，我知道。是在那页纸的底部。”
27、 Two twins went to the kindergarten.“Who's the elder and who's the younger one?” asked a nurse. One of them winked and said，“Elder brother，don't tell her.”两个双胞胎走进幼儿园。“你们两个谁大谁小?”保育员问。其中的一个眨了眨眼睛说，“哥哥，不要告诉她。”
28、 One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm1) a mother was tucking her small boy into was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor2) in his voice，“Mommy，will you sleep with me tonight ?”The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring3) hug. “I can' t，dear.” She said.“I have to sleep in Daddy's room.”Along silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice：“The big sissy4).”一个夏季的晚上，雷雨大作，母亲让小男孩上床钻进被窝。她正准备熄灯，孩子声音颤抖地问：“妈咪，你今晚可以陪我睡吗?”母亲笑着，拥抱一下小孩安慰说，“亲爱的，不可以。我得睡在爸爸的房间。”一阵长长的沉默之后，男孩小声地用颤音说：“大胆小鬼。”
29、 "Teacher: Tom, why are you late for school every day? Tom: Every time I come to the corner, a sign says, "School-Go Slow".老师：汤姆，您为什么每天上学迟到?汤姆：我每次路过拐角，一个路标上面写着："学校----慢行。""
30、 "Two factory workers are : I can make the boss give me the day : And how would you do that?Woman: Just wait and then hangs upside down from the ceiling. After a while, the boss comes : What are you doing?Woman: I'm a light : You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day man starts to follow : I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.工厂的两名工人正在谈论。女人:我可以让老板放我一天假。男人:你会怎么做？女人:你就等着看吧。然后她把自己倒吊在天花板土，过了一会儿，老板走来进来。老板:你干什么呢？女人:我是一个灯泡。老板:你工作太多了，都发疯了。我认为你需要休息一天。男人开始跟着她往外走。Boss: Where are you going？老板:你要去哪里？男人:我也要回家。我无法在黑暗中工作呀。"
31、 "One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?" After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up. "Well, good morning. So, you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked. The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."一天，一位大学心理学教授向他的新生们问候。他站在学生们的面前说：“如果哪位同学认为自己傻，就请站起来。” 大约过了一分钟，一位年轻人站了起来。教授说：“嗨，你好。你真的认为自己是个低能儿么？” 这个孩子回答道：“不是的，先生，我只是不忍心看着只有你自己站在这里。”"
32、 "The German poet Heine was Jewish. Once at a patty a traveler said to him: "I found an island where, to my surprise, there were no Jews or donkeys!"Henie said calmly: "Well, this defect can only be remedied when you and I together go to the island!"德国大诗人海涅是犹太人。有一次晚会上，一个旅行家对他说:“我发现了一座岛屿，令我惊奇的是，那个岛上竟然没有犹太人和驴子！”海涅不动声色地说:“看来，只有你我一起去那个岛上，才会弥补这个缺陷！”"
33、 "Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall. Observers waited for mayhem to retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, "Gigantic Sale!" and "Super Bargains!"The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, "Prices Slashed!" and "Fantastic Discounts!"The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, "ENTRANCE".三个互相争生意的商店老板在一条林荫道上租用了毗邻的店铺。旁观者等着瞧好戏。右边的零售商挂起了巨大的招牌，上书：“大减价！”“特便宜！”左边的商店挂出了更大的招牌，声称：“大砍价！”“大折扣！”。中间的商人随后准备了一个大招牌，上面只简单地写着：“入口处”。"
34、 "Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea? A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys. 猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢？你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤，而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧？"
35、 "At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Shall I engrave her name on it?" the jeweler customer thought for a moment, and then said, "No-engrave it ‘To my one and only love‘. That way, if we ever break up, I can use it again."在一家珠宝店里，一位年轻人买了一个贵重的小金盒作为送给女友的礼物。“要我把她的名字刻在上面吗?”珠宝商问道。那名顾客想了一会儿，然后说道：“不--在上面刻‘给我唯一的爱’。这样，如果我们闹崩了，我还可以再用到它。”"
36、 "My father, brother and I visited West Point to see a football game between Army and Boston College. Taking a stroll before kickoff, we met many cadets in neatly pressed uniforms. Several visting fans asked the recruits if they would pose for photographs, "to show our son what to expect if he should attend West Point."One middle-aged couple approached a very attractive female cadet and asked her to pose for a picture. They explained, "We want to show our son what he missed by not coming to West Point."父亲、哥哥和我到西点军校去观看一场陆军与波士顿大学之间的橄榄球赛。开始之前，我们到处转了转，碰到许多穿着整齐制服的学员。几名游客问新兵是否愿意摆出军姿来让他们摄。“好让我们的儿子知道，如果他到西点军校来学习会得到什么。”一对中年夫妇走近一名非常漂亮的女学员，问她是否愿意摆个姿势照相。他们解释说：“我们想让儿子知道他没来西点军校错过了什么。”"
37、 "Two soldiers were in camp. The first one‘s name was George, and the second one‘s name was Bill. George said, "have you got a piece of paper and an envelope, Bill?"Bill said, "Yes, I have," and he gave them to George said, "Now I haven‘t got a pen." Bill gave him his, and George wrote his letter. Then he put it in the envelope and said, "have you got a stamp, Bill?" Bill gave him Bill got up and went to the door, so George said to him, "Are you going out?"Bill Said, "Yes, I am," and he opened the said, "Please put my letter in the box in the office, and..." He stopped."What do you want now?" Bill said to looked at the envelope of his letter and answered, "What‘s your girl-friend‘s address?"军营里有二名士兵，一个叫乔治，一个叫比尔。乔治问：“比尔，你有信纸、信封吗？”比尔说：“有。”然后把信纸和信封给了乔治。乔治又说：“我还没有笔呢。”比尔又把自己的笔给了他。乔治开始写信。写完后把信放进信封里，又问：“比尔，你有邮票吗？”比尔给了他一张。这时比尔站起来，向门口走去。乔治问：“你要出去吗？”比尔说：“是的。”随即打开了门。乔治说：“请帮我把这封信投进办公室的信箱里，还有...”他停住了。“你还要什么？”比尔问。乔治看着信封说：“你女朋友的地址是？”"
38、 "During World War II, a lot of young women in Britain were in the army. Joan Phillips was one of them. She worked in a big camp, and of course met a lot of men, officers and evening she met Captain Humphreys at a dance. He said to her, "I‘m going abroad tomorrow, but I‘d be very happy if we could write to each other." Joan agreed, and they wrote for several his letters stopped, but she received one from another officer, telling her that he had been wounded and was in a certain army hospital in went there and said to the matron, "I‘ve come to visit Captain Humphreys.""Only relatives are allowed to visit patients here," the matron said."Oh, that‘s all right," answered Joan. "I‘m his sister.""I‘m very pleased to meet you," the matron said, "I‘m his mother!"在第二次世界大战中，有许多年轻的妇女在军营中服役。琼.飞利浦斯是其中之一。她在一个大军营中工作，当然遇到了许多男士，包括军官和士兵。一天晚上她在舞会上遇到了军官汉弗雷斯。他对她说，“我明天就要出国，但如果我们能够相互写信，我会很高兴。”琼同意了，于是他们几个月里一直通着信。后来，他再没有来信。她收到了另一个军官的信，告诉她，他受伤了，住在英格兰的某个部队医院里。琼到了医院，她对护士长说，“我来看望军官汉弗雷斯。”“这里只有亲属可以探望病人。”护士长说。“噢，是的，”琼说，“我是他的妹妹。”“很高兴认识你，”护士长说，“我是他的母亲。”"
39、 "Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall. Observers waited for mayhem to retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, "Gigantic Sale!" and "Super Bargains!"The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, "Prices Slashed!" and "Fantastic Discounts!"The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, "ENTRANCE".三个互相争生意的商店老板在一条商业街上租用了毗邻的店铺。旁观者等着瞧好戏。右边的零售商挂起了巨大的招牌，上书：“大减价!”“特便宜!”左边的商店挂出了更大的招牌，声称：“大砍价!”“大折扣!”中间的商人随后准备了一个大招牌，上面只简单地写着：“入口处”。"
40、 "Absent-minded Professor: Heavens! Someone stole my wallet! Wife: Didn't you feel a hand in your pocket? Absent-minded Professor: Yes, but I thought it was mine. 教授：天哪！有人偷了我的钱包！ 妻子：你难道没感觉到一只手伸进你的口袋？ 教授：感觉到了，可我还以为那是我的手呢？"
41、 "If you refuse to marry me, he swore, I shall die. She refused him. Sixty years later, he died. 如果你不答应嫁给我，他发誓，我就要去死。六十年后，他死了。"
42、 "Jimmy: Hey, Amy, aren't you coming out to play? Amy: No, I have to stay in and help my father with my homework. 基米：嘿，艾米，你不出来玩吗？艾米：不了，我必须留在家里，帮我爸爸做我的家庭作业。"
43、 "Guest: "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?" Hotel Host: "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from." 客人：“为什么你的狗狗坐在那儿老是看着我吃东西呢？”旅馆主人：“我不敢想象，除非是因为你拿了它经常用来吃东西的盘子了。”"
44、 "Palmist: The life line in your hand tells that you will die in a year. Customer: Good gracious! In a year? Palmist: Yes, but I can't say in which.手相大师：你手上的生命线显示出你还有一年将会死去。顾客：天哪，一年后？手相大师：是的，可是我不能说是哪一年。"
45、 "Waiter, this lobster has only one claw. -- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight. -- Well, bring me the winner then.服务员，这个龙虾只有一只爪。对不起，先生，这只肯定打过架了。哦，那给我那个打赢的吧。"
46、 Boy: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" girl: "It's in the phone book." Boy: "But I don't know your name." girl: "That's in the phone book too." 男：我想给你打电话。你的电话号码是多少？女：在电话本上呢。男：可是我不知道你的名字呀。女：也在电话本上呢。
47、 "The absent-minded professor shouted: "Kate, come to the blackboard!" Another student says, "Kate is absent, Professor." "Silent! Let Kate speak for herself."粗心的教授大声地喊道：“凯特，到黑板前面来！”另外一个学生说：“教授，凯特没来。”“别出声，让凯特自己讲。”"
48、 "Husband: Before I married you, I never thought of saving : And now?Husband: Now I'm thinking About how much I could have saved if I hadn't married you.丈夫：在娶你进门之前，我从来没有想过要存钱。妻子:那现在呢?丈夫：现在我在想，要是没有娶你的话，我可以存多少钱。"
49、 Dentist: Please stop howling. I haven't even touched your tooth yet. Patient: I know. But you are standing on my foot! 牙医：请不要再叫了，我都还没有挨着你的牙齿啊！ 病人：但是，亲，你可知道，你踩到我脚了！！！
50、 "Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning? Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go slow".老师:为什么你每天早晨都迟到? 汤姆:每当我经过学校的拐角处,就看见一个牌子上写着学校----慢行。"
51、 He is really somebody My uncle has 1000 men under him. He is really somebody. What does he do? A maintenance man in a cemetery. 他真是一个大人物，我叔叔下面有1000个人。他真是一个大人物。干什么的？墓地守墓人。
52、 "In the traffic court of a large mid-western city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case in order that she might hasten on to her classes. A wild gleam came into the judge's eye. "You are a school teacher, eh?" said he. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. Sit down at that table and write 'I went through a red light' five hundred times."在中西部一个大城市的交通法庭里，一位年轻女士被带到法官面前，她由于开车闯红灯被开了罚单。女士向法官解释，她是一名学校老师，请求法官马上处理她的案子，以便可以赶回去上课。法官眼中闪过一丝狡黠，说道：“你是学校的老师，对吗？女士，我马上要实现我毕生的愿望了。在那张桌子旁坐下，写‘我开车闯了红灯’500遍。”"
53、 "A father of five came home with a toy, summoned his children and asked which one of them should be given the present, “Who is the most obedient, never talks back to mother and does everything he or she is told?” he inquired. There was silence and then a chorus of voices: “You play with it, Daddy!” 一个有五个孩子的父亲带着一件玩具回到家里，把孩子们召集来问这件礼物应该给谁。“谁最听话，从不和妈妈顶嘴，让干什么就干什么？”他问道。大家都不吭声。过了一会儿，孩子们异口同声地说：“爸爸，您玩儿吧。”"
54、 "During the doctor's periodic visit to my elderly mother, I told him that Mother would be celebrating her 98th birthday in few days. Delighted by the news, he bent down and gave her a kiss for the occasion. He then announced that he, too, would be celebrating a birthday in few days and asked for a kiss in he left, my mother shook her head in disgust. "Can you imagine, " she said. "Seventy dollars and I had to kiss him too!医生按期来探视我的老母。我告诉他母亲不几天就要庆祝她98岁的生日了。医生听了也很高兴，为此，他弯下腰来亲了她一下。然后他说不几天他也要庆祝自己的生日，并要求她还他一个吻。医生走后，我母亲厌恶地摇摇头。“你能想象吗，”她说，“付了他70元，我还得亲他！”"
55、 "Miles sometime went to the barber's during working hours to have his hair cut. But this was against the office rules: clerks had to have their hair cut in their own time. While Miles was at the barber's one day, the manager of the office came in by chance to have his own hair cut and sat just beside him."Hello, Miles," the manager said. "I see that you are having your hair cut in office time.""Yes, sir, I am," admitted Miles calmly. "You see, sir, it grows in office time.""Not all of it," said the manager at once. "Some of it grows in your own time.""Yes, sir, that's quite true." Answered Miles politely, "but I'm not having it all cut off."麦尔斯有时在上班时间去理发馆理发，但这是违反办公室规定的：职员只能利用自己的时间理发。一天，正当麦尔斯理发时，经理碰巧也进来理发，而且就坐在他旁边。“你好，麦尔斯，”经理说。“我看到你在上班时间理发了。”“是的，先生。正是这样。”麦尔斯平静地承认了。可先生，你看，头发是在上班时间长的。“不全都是吧，”经理立刻说，“有一些是在你自己的时间里长的。”“对呀，先生，你说得很对。”麦尔斯礼貌地回答说，“但我并没有把头发全都剪掉啊。”"
56、 "A teacher said to her class:”Who was the first man?”“George Washington,”a little boy shouted promptly．“How do you make out that George Washington was the first man？”asked the teacher，smiling indulgently．“Because,” said the little boy, “he was first in war, first in peace, and first in the hearts of his countrymen.”But at this point a larger boy held up his hand.“Well,”said the teacher to him, “who do you think was the first man?”“I don’t know what his name was,”said the larger boy, “but I know it wasn’t George Washington, ma’am, because the history book says George Washington married a widow, so, of course, there must have been a man ahead of him.”一个老师问她的学生：“谁是世界上第一个男人”一个小男孩立刻大声说：“乔治.华盛顿。”老师带着宠溺的笑容问这个男生：“你如何证明乔治华盛顿是世界上第一个男人呢。”这个男孩子说：“因为，他是第一个挑起战争，第一个主张和平，并且是第一个深得民心的人。”这时，有一个年龄稍大的男孩子举起手来，老师问他，“你认为谁是世界第一个男人？”男孩回答说：“我不知道他的名字，但是我肯定他不是乔治华盛顿，因为历史书上说，乔治华盛顿和一个寡妇结婚了，所以在他之前，当然还有一个男的啦。”"
57、 "A shoplifter |was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from a jewelry store. "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?" The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more than I intended to spend."一个小偷在一家珠宝店企图偷走一只手表的时候被当场擒获。“听着，”小偷说，“我知道你们也不想惹麻烦。我把这只表买下，然后我们就当什么也没发生，你看怎样？”经理表示同意，然后列了一张售货单。小偷看着单子说道：“这比我最初的预算稍稍高了一点，你们还有没有便宜一点儿东西。”"
58、 "Policeman: Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch? Man: If I had opened my mouth, they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.警察：有人抢你的手表时，你为什么不呼救呢？男子：要是我张口的话，他们就会发现我的四颗金牙，那就更糟了。"
59、 "The warden of the prison felt sorry for one of his inmates because every weekend on Visitor’s Day, most of the prisoners had family members and friends coming, but poor George always sat alone in his cell. So one Visitor’s Day, the warden called George to his office and said, "I notice you’ve never had any visitors, George." Sympathetic, he put his hand on George’s shoulder. "Tell me, don’t you have any friends or family?" George replied, "Oh, sure I do, Warden. It’s just that they’re all in here!" 典狱长对狱中一位囚犯深感同情，因为每逢周末的探访日，大多数囚犯都有家人或朋友来访，但是可怜的乔治总是孤伶伶地坐在自己的囚室中。因此在一个探访日，典狱长把乔治叫到办公室说：“乔治，我注意到从来没有人来探望过你。”他满怀同情地把手放在乔治的肩膀上：“告诉我，你没有任何朋友或家人吗？”乔治回答：“喔！当然有，典狱长，只不过他们全都在这里面！”"
60、 "my father, who was 14 years old than my mother, had been working on his will. at a family dinner he told us that he had provided well for mother, but the family home would go to us five children if she remarried.我爸比我妈大14岁，最近一直在写遗嘱。一次家宴上，他告诉我们说他为母亲以后的生活作好了安排，但如果她改嫁的话，家里的房子将归我们五个孩子所有。"i don't want another toasting his shins around my fireplace," he explained.“我可不愿意另外哪个狗娘养的在我的火炉旁烤他的狗腿，”他解释道。with a sly grin, mothercracked, "what makes you think i'd marry another ?"妈妈狡猾地咧了咧嘴，讥诮道：“你怎么认为我会再嫁给一个狗娘养的？”"