1、 一个外国人来到中国开了家公司，招聘职工每月工资一千美元，（要求懂英文的）。老王看到了招聘启示，连忙回去学英语。一个晚上他学会了四个单词：1.Yes! 2.No! 3.Thank you! 4.Goodbye！ 第二天，老王来到公司应聘成功，隔天上岗。第三天，下班后大家都回去了，老板看见老王在扫地，扫得干干净净，就问：“这是你自己一个人扫的吗？”“Yes!” “真的吗？”“Yes!”“这是给你的100元小费”“Thank you!” 第四天，下班后又是老王在扫地，老板跑过来说：“又是你在扫地吗？”“Yes！”老板又说：“你有看见我的金表吗？”“Yes！” “那就还给我吧！”“No！” “再不还给我，我就报警啦！” “Thankyou!” “你要做五年的牢！” “Goodbye!” 老板当场晕倒！！！
2、 "顺便说一个：你可以对你的MM说我要测测你的英语反应能力，伸出左手，对她说：“我点拇指是A，食指是C，中指是M，无名指是S,小指是X”，然后说，为了增加难度，我会用中文干扰你。然后，你指中指说鱼，她会说m，你指无名指说驴，她会说S，然后在指拇指说猪，她会说A,然后一直点拇指说猪，她会一直说：A,A,A,A,A,A,如果MM聪明，可以多试其他的手指之后再说拇指。"
3、 猪的英语拼写是PUG吧？ --不对，是PIG --不是吧，我怎么记得是U（YOU）呀 -你弄错了，是I --猪是YOU --猪是I
4、 "在一张纸上写上你的大名 再在第一个字上面写大写英文M 左边写E,下面写W 在最后一个字右边写Q 下面写W,最后把英文字母用线条连接起来把你的名字包围起来"
5、 问：26个字母去掉e和t还剩几个字母？ 答：24个呀 问：错！！！ 答：为什么呀？ 问：21个，因为ET是坐UFO走的
6、 某生与老外相遇，小碰撞了一下，某生曰：“I’m sorry！”老外：“I’m sorry，too。”某生：“I’m sorry，three”老外：“What are you sorry for？”某生：“I’m sorry five！”
7、 一美女穿着胸前有 “99”字样的上衣，老外想称赞她，可又忘了中文 “9”怎么说，于是老外对小姐说：“小姐，你的两个‘nine、 nine’好漂亮啊！”
8、 一外国人去超市买东西，结帐时收银小姐：Can you speak Chinese？老外：如果你说慢一点我能听懂。收银小姐：Can…… you…… speak…… Chinese……
9、 一个人想出国考察，但必须得到老总批准。于是他向老总请示，老总给了他一张字条，上面写着：“Go ahead”。 那人想：“Go ahead=前进，老总是批准了。”于是他开始打点行李。 一个同事见到了他问：“你在做什啊？？”他说：“我准备出国考察，老总批准了，给我写了‘Go ahead’。” 同事一见条就乐了：“咱们老总根本就没批准！！咱老总的英语水平你还不知道，他这是在说去个头！”
10、 中国留学生在国外的高速公路出车祸了，连人带车翻下悬崖 交警赶到后向下喊话道：“How are you？” 留学生答：“I‘m fine，thank you！And you ?” 然后交警走了，留学生就死了。。。。。。。。。。。
11、 "一根手指头的英文叫做ONE,两根手指头的英文叫做TWO,依次类推,四根手手指头的英文叫做 four，那么弯起来的四根手指头的英文叫什么？猜一英文单词？？答案：Wondeful"
12、 有个人刚学了点英语，就喜欢卖弄两下。有一天他去商店想买一支钢笔，对营业员说：“给我一个pen” 营业员拿了个盆给他， 他说：“no”营业员说：“漏？哪有漏？新进的货”
13、 一周七天英语怎么说——星期一 【 忙day】； 星期二 【求死day】；星期三 【未死day】； 星期四 【受死day】； 星期五【福来day】； 星期六 【洒脱day】； 星期天【伤day】。
14、 初中英语不好，老师就给我换了个英语好的女同桌。一日自习课，看单词看到“husband”有点印象，又不确切，就拿单词问同桌：“老婆？”“不是，老公。”我总觉得是老婆的意思，和她犟上了：“老婆！”她也不甘示弱：“老公！”“老婆！”“老公！”声音越来越大。喊了有2分钟，发现教室忽然很安静....
15、 上英语课，英语老师来到讲台，面对全班学生，露出一丝温和的笑容：“goodmorning，boysandgirls！” 全班同学起立，小明也跟着站了起来，只是，当别人正在用英语向老师问好的时候，他却对同桌小胖说道：“我终于知道英语老师为什么没男朋友了。” “为什么？”同桌小胖忍不住问道。 看到别人都开始坐下，唐金也坐了下来，然后对张小胖说道：“你没听到苏老师刚才说什么吗？” 张小胖却有些纳闷：“苏老师刚才好像没说什么吧？” “小胖，你的耳朵也不太好啊！”小明有些同情的看着小胖，“你没听到英语老师说吗？她说，姑娘摸你，勃一次俺得割二次，你不觉得英语老师对她男朋友要求太高了吗？让一个美女去摸人家，还不许人家有反应，有反应就要阉他两次，这谁敢做她男朋友啊？” 小胖目瞪口呆，人才啊，这货真他妈人才啊，长这么大，他第一次听到这么解释这句英语的。
16、 一个美国仔居然和我辩论，说英语比汉语难，这纯属扯淡。 中国文化可谓是博大精深，就拿一个“我”字来说。我们汉语里，男的可以用爷，女的可以用老娘，皇帝用朕、孤，皇后用哀家，百姓用鄙人，老人用老夫，青年用小生，和尚用贫僧，道士用贫道，粗人用俺、咱，文人用晚生，豪放可以称洒家，婉约可以叫不才，对上称在下，对下称本座，平民称草民。 你们英语就一个“I”还拽什么拽？
17、 "在班级的文艺表演上，我们几个男生准备演唱“We will rock you”，但领唱英语不好，百忙之中终于准备妥当了。第二天轮到我们表演时，只听领唱响亮的一声：“We will,we will fuck you”。。。表演结束后，我们拖着血肉模糊的领唱失落地回家了。。。"
18、 一女性朋友在一酒店做服务员，当天两老外点了两瓶啤酒，朋友送到门口时发现忘了拿起瓶器，因为楼层太高懒得下去拿，这货用牙把盖子咬开再盖上。进去后问老外是否要打开，老外说可以，只见这货一手拿一瓶，大拇指轻轻一弹......盖子飞了。老外惊呼：chinese kungfu！
19、 "The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student. ""Why have you chosen this career?"" he asked. ""I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father,"" the student replied. ""Your father made a million dollars in farming?"" echoed the impressed dean. ""No,"" replied the applicant. ""But he always dreamed of it. 农校的招生办主任在面试一个上线的学生，“你为何要选择这个职业?”他问。 “我梦想以经营农场来赚一百万元，就像我父亲一样。”这个学生回答说。 “你父亲经营农场赚了一百万元?”主任惊诧地问道。 “没有，”这位申请人回答道，“他总是梦想着赚到这个数目。”"
20、 "顾客：小心，你的大拇指在我汤里了！服务员：别担心，先生，不是很烫！Diner: Watch out! Your thumbs in my soup!Waiter: Don't worry, Sir, it's not that hot!一个服务员给顾客拿来了牛排，大拇指在牛肉上。“你疯了吗？”顾客喊到，“你的手在我的牛排上！”“什么？”服务员说，“你想让它再掉地上？”A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.""Are you crazy?"" yelled the customer, ""with your hand on my steak?""""What"" answers the waiter, ""You want it to fall on the floor again?""服务员：茶或咖啡？先生。第一个顾客：我要茶第二个顾客：我也是茶——杯子要干净的！服务员：两杯茶，哪个要干净的杯子？Waiter: ""Tea or c" "offee, gentlemen?""1st customer: ""I'll have tea.""2nd customer: ""Me, too - and be sure the" "glass is clean!""" "(Waiter exits," "returns)Waiter: ""Two" "teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?""创新句子：我坚持用干净杯子喝茶。服务员，这只苍蝇在我汤里干什么？看起来象是在仰泳，先生……Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?Um, looks to me to be backstroke, sir...服务员，汤里有只苍蝇！别担心，先生，面包里的蜘蛛会干掉它。Waiter, there's" a fly in my soup!Don't worry "sir," the spider on the breadroll will get 'em.服务员，我汤里有只苍蝇！不是，先生，那是蟑螂，苍蝇在你牛排里 "。Waiter," "there's a fly in my soup!No sir, that's a cockroach, the fly is on your steak.服务员，汤里有只苍蝇！别让别人看见，先生，要不别人都要。Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!Keep it down sir, or they'll all be wanting one.服务员，汤里有只苍蝇！我知道，先生，我们没有另收钱。Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!Its OK, Sir, there's no extra charge!服务员，汤里有只苍蝇！对不起，先生，我弄走那三个时忘了这个。Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!Sorry sir, maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three.服务员，汤里有只死苍蝇！是的，先生，是开水杀死了它们。Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!Yes sir, it's the hot water that kills them.服务员，汤里有只死苍蝇！1美元你想要什么——活的？aiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!What do you expect for $1 - a live one?服务员，汤里有只蜜蜂！是的，先生，今天苍蝇放假。Waiter, waiter, there's a bee in my soup.Yes Sir, it's the fly's day off.服务员，来杯咖啡，不加奶油。对不起，先生，奶油没了，不加奶怎么样？Waiter, I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.I'm sorry, sir, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?Waiter, this coffee tastes like dirt!Yes sir, thats because it was only ground this morning.Ground:研磨；地面服务员，你的领带在我的汤里了。没关系，先生，它不缩水。Waiter, your tie is in my soup!That's all right, sir, it's not shrinkable."
21、 "There was once a large, fat woman. She had a small, thin husband. He worked in a big office and got his weekly6 pay every Friday evening. As soon as he got home on Fridays, he had to give his wife all his money, and his wife gave him back only enough to buy his lunch in the office every day. One day the small man came home very happily. He hurried into the living room. His wife was listening to the radio and eating apples there. ""You'll never guess what happened to me today, dear,"" he said. He waited for a few seconds and then said again, ""I won ten thousand dollars buying the lottery tickets!"" ""That's wonderful!"" shouted" "his wife. Happily. But then she thought for a few seconds and said angrily, ""But wait a" minute! How could you have enough money to buy "the tickets?"" 一个高大" 又肥胖的女人，有一个瘦瘦小小的丈夫。他在一家大公司的上班，每个周五的晚上发工资。他一回到家，就把所有钱交给他妻子，他的妻子只给他每天在公司吃午饭的钱。 一天，这个男人很开心回家了。他匆匆忙忙地走进起居室。他的妻子正在吃着苹果听着收音机。 “你绝对猜不到我今天发生了什么事，亲爱的，”他说。停 顿 了几 秒 钟， 然后又说， “我买 彩票赢 了一 万美元 ！“ “ 那太好了！ “他的 妻子 高兴地说。不过她想了几秒钟后，生气地说，“等一下！你怎么有钱买这 张彩票呢？ “
22、 "A pair of honeymooners checked into the Watergate Hotel in Washington, D. C. That night, as the husband was about to turn off the light, his bride asked, ""Do you think this room is bugged?"" ""That was a long time ago, sweet-heart,"" he reassured her. ""But what if there's a microphone somewhere? I'd be so embarrassed."" So the groom searched under the tables and behind the pictures. Then he turned back the rug. Sure enoush, there was a funny-looking gizmo in the floor. He took out the screws, got rid of the hardware, and climbed into bed. The next morning the newly weds were awakened by a hotel clerk who wanted to know if they" "had slept well. ""We did,"" replied the groom. ""Why do you ask?"" ""It's rather unusual."" T" "he clerk answered," """Last night the couple in the" room below yours had "a chandelier fall on them."" 有一对正在华盛顿度蜜月的新婚夫妇， 他们来到水门旅馆登记住宿。到了晚上，丈夫刚要熄灯，新娘子问道：“你觉得房间里会不会装有窃听器？” “亲爱的，那都是多少年前的事了。”丈夫劝她打消这种念头。 “然而假如真的藏着传声器，那该怎么办呢？叫人多难堪啊！” 因此，新郎搜查" 了 一圈 ， 从桌 子底下和挂 画后面 的墙壁 。最 后，他 翻开 了地 毯。不出所 料， 地板 上有个外表奇特的小东西。他拧下螺丝，拆掉零件，之后就上床睡觉了。 第二天早上 ，这对新人被旅馆的工作人员的敲门声惊醒。工作人员问他们晚上睡得怎么样。 “很好啊，”新郎回答到，“为什么你要问这个问题呢？” “这太奇怪了，”工作 人员说道，“昨天夜里，你们楼下那对夫妇被枝型吊灯砸了。”
23、 "Wedding night, husband deep feeling of say to the wife:""Dear of, I love you, I swear hereafter can't certainly do a sorry your business, if I do, certainly encountering for a day, the thunderclap splits, don't die a natural death!""Newly married but soon, the husband made a sorry cuckoldry matter. On the first, the husband goes out by boat, being the ship drove up to ocean middle, suddenly h2 breeze your work, seeing the ship will sink right away, at this time, the husband towards the sky to scold a way loudly""old day, whether you becomes blind or not, I do a sorry cuckoldry matter, you let I a person die like, why harm" "so many innocent peoples to also want to die.""At this time, hears spread a deep and low" voice in out of t "he sky:""You think I am all dry" "all day long what, I" "am very not easy to wait until today just chase your se people concentrated together!""新婚之夜，丈夫深情的对妻子说：“亲爱的，我爱你，我发誓以后一定不会做出对不起你的事，要是我做了，定遭天打雷劈，不得好死！”可是新婚不久，丈夫就作出了对不起妻子的事。 一日，丈夫乘船外出，当船驶到大海中间" 时 ，突 然狂 风 大作，眼看船 马上就 要沉 没了 ，这时， 丈 夫大 声对着天空 骂道“ 老天 ，你是不是瞎了眼了，我做了对不起妻子的事，你让我一个人去死就好了 ，为什么害 这么多无辜的人也要死啊。” 这时，只听见半空中传来一声低沉的声音：“你以为我整天都干什么啊，我好不容易等到今天才把你们这些人集中在一起来的！”
24、 "A guy hosted a dinner party for people from work, including his boss. All during the sit-down dinner, the host's three-year-old girl stared at her father's boss sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to ignore her but, finally it was too much for him. He asked her, ""Why are you staring at me.?"" Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet for her response. The little girl said, ""My Daddy said you drink like a fish and I don't" "want to miss it!"" 某人举办一场宴会招待他的同事，包括他的老板。 吃饭的时候，男主人的3岁小" 女儿目不转睛地盯着 对面她父亲的老板看，甚至没有吃 东西。 老板先检查了领 事，然后抹抹脸上看有没有食物，再整整头发。那小女孩依然盯着他看。他尽力不去注意这事，但这太难了。他忍不住问小女孩：“你为什么老盯着我看？” 桌子上的每个人都注意到了这事，安静地盼着她的回答。 小女孩说：“爸爸说你象牛饮，我可不想错过看到！”
25、 "When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.""Guess what, sir?"" the clerk said. ""I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!""""Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-*ed thing?"" the manager asked.""That's the one!""""That's great!"" the manager cried, ""I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me.Why is your hand bandaged?""""Oh,"" the clerk replied, ""after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me.""服装店经" 理吃完午餐回来，发现店员的手包上了绷带，没等他问，店员告诉他一个非常好的消息。 “猜猜看 发生什么事了，经理 。”店员说，“我终于把那套一直 压在这儿的难看透顶的西 装卖出去了！” “不是那件粉红带蓝条的双排扣套装吧！那套衣服实在太可怕了！” “就是那件。” “太棒了！”经理叫道，“我一直以为我们无法处理掉那件怪物了，那是我们有过最难看的西装。对了，你的手怎么上绷带了？” “哦，”店员说，“当我把那件西装卖给客人以后，他的导盲犬扑上来咬了我一口。”
26、 "Mother asked her little daughter who was reading a book. ""What are you reading, dear?"" ""I don't know."" the little girl answered. ""You don't know? But you were reading aloud, so you must know."" ""I was reading aloud, mummy, but i wasn't listening,"" explained the child.女儿在大声读书，妈妈问：“亲爱的，你在读什么？” “我不知道，”小女孩回答说。 “你不知道？你不是在朗读吗，你应该知道的，”妈妈说。 女儿解释说，“我在朗读，可我没有在听啊!”"
27、 "A much worried patient walked into doctor's office asking for help:""Doctor, I don't know what to do. I accidentally drank a bottle of gasoline yesterday!""""Oh, Don't worry! All you have to remember is not to smoke in the next few days!""候诊室里坐着一位忧心忡忡的病人，当医生传唤他时，他满面愁容地说：“医生，怎么办？我昨天误喝下一瓶汽油！”医生回答他说：“喔..沒关系啦！记得这几天不要抽烟！”"
28、 "I wanted to look especially nice when I valked my son to his first day of kindergarten，so I took the liberty of borrowing an outfit from my younger，more fashionable sister，who was staying with us atthe time. We had agreed not to borrow from one another without asking，but she was asleep，so I slipped some shorts and a shirt out of her drawer silently，planning to put them back before she woke up.To my surprise .she was awake when I got back, but she didn't mention the clothes. We chatted about Jason's introduction to kindergarten. Finally，she smiled and asked coolly，""And how did Jason's teacher like my pajamas?""在陪儿" 子上幼儿园的第一天，我想打扮一下自己。我打算从妹妹那儿借身外衣，她年径而且时髦。妹妹和我 们住在一起。我们有 约在先，不经过对方的同意不能拿 别人的东西。但那时她仍 在睡觉。于是，我从她的衣拒里轻径拿走几条短裤和一件村衣，本想趁她没醒来时再放回去。让我吃惊的是，当我送儿子去幼儿园回来后，妹妹已经醒了。但她没说衣服的事儿。我们聊了聊儿子吉森在幼儿园做自我介绍的情况。最后，妹妹笑着并不动声色地问:“吉森的老师觉得我的睡衣怎徉?”
29、 "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and vice versa. ""Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the 2nd time will be fined $60. Being caught a 3rd time will incur a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"" At this moment, a male student in the crowd inquires, ""Umm...How much for a season pass?""女生宿舍将全面禁止男生进入，男生宿舍也同样不得女生光临。""不论是谁，一旦违规，初犯将被罚款20美元。再犯要被罚款60美元。第3次被抓需要交180美元的罚款。还有什么疑问么？""这时人群中一个男同学问道，""那么一个季度通行证需要多少钱？"""
30、 "A father was trying to teach his son the evils of alcohol.He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.""All right, son,"" asked the father, ""What does that show you?""""Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms.""一位父亲打算让自己的儿子知道酒精有多么可怕。他把分别把两只虫子放到一杯清水和一杯威士忌里做对比。清水里虫子安然无恙，结果威士忌里的虫子蜷缩了几下就挂掉了。""所以，儿子啊，""父亲问道，""得出什么结论？""""恩，这说明，你只要喝酒的话，肚里就不会长虫了！"""
31、 一个外国人来到中国开了家公司，招聘职工每月工资一千美元，（要求懂英文的）。老王看到了招聘启示，连忙回去学英语。一个晚上他学会了四个单词：1.Yes! 2.No! 3.Thank you! 4.Goodbye！ 第二天，老王来到公司应聘成功，隔天上岗。第三天，下班后大家都回去了，老板看见老王在扫地，扫得干干净净，就问：“这是你自己一个人扫的吗？”“Yes!” “真的吗？”“Yes!”“这是给你的100元小费”“Thank you!” 第四天，下班后又是老王在扫地，老板跑过来说：“又是你在扫地吗？”“Yes！”老板又说：“你有看见我的金表吗？”“Yes！” “那就还给我吧！”“No！” “再不还给我，我就报警啦！” “Thankyou!” “你要做五年的牢！” “Goodbye!” 老板当场晕倒！！！
32、 "顺便说一个：你可以对你的MM说我要测测你的英语反应能力，伸出左手，对她说：“我点拇指是A，食指是C，中指是M，无名指是S,小指是X”，然后说，为了增加难度，我会用中文干扰你。然后，你指中指说鱼，她会说m，你指无名指说驴，她会说S，然后在指拇指说猪，她会说A,然后一直点拇指说猪，她会一直说：A,A,A,A,A,A,如果MM聪明，可以多试其他的手指之后再说拇指。"
33、 猪的英语拼写是PUG吧？ --不对，是PIG --不是吧，我怎么记得是U（YOU）呀 -你弄错了，是I --猪是YOU --猪是I
34、 "在一张纸上写上你的大名 再在第一个字上面写大写英文M 左边写E,下面写W 在最后一个字右边写Q 下面写W,最后把英文字母用线条连接起来把你的名字包围起来"
35、 问：26个字母去掉e和t还剩几个字母？ 答：24个呀 问：错！！！ 答：为什么呀？ 问：21个，因为ET是坐UFO走的
36、 某生与老外相遇，小碰撞了一下，某生曰：“I’m sorry！”老外：“I’m sorry，too。”某生：“I’m sorry，three”老外：“What are you sorry for？”某生：“I’m sorry five！”
37、 一美女穿着胸前有 “99”字样的上衣，老外想称赞她，可又忘了中文 “9”怎么说，于是老外对小姐说：“小姐，你的两个‘nine、 nine’好漂亮啊！”
38、 一外国人去超市买东西，结帐时收银小姐：Can you speak Chinese？老外：如果你说慢一点我能听懂。收银小姐：Can…… you…… speak…… Chinese……
39、 一个人想出国考察，但必须得到老总批准。于是他向老总请示，老总给了他一张字条，上面写着：“Go ahead”。 那人想：“Go ahead=前进，老总是批准了。”于是他开始打点行李。 一个同事见到了他问：“你在做什啊？？”他说：“我准备出国考察，老总批准了，给我写了‘Go ahead’。” 同事一见条就乐了：“咱们老总根本就没批准！！咱老总的英语水平你还不知道，他这是在说去个头！”
40、 中国留学生在国外的高速公路出车祸了，连人带车翻下悬崖 交警赶到后向下喊话道：“How are you？” 留学生答：“I‘m fine，thank you！And you ?” 然后交警走了，留学生就死了。。。。。。。。。。。
41、 "一根手指头的英文叫做ONE,两根手指头的英文叫做TWO,依次类推,四根手手指头的英文叫做 four，那么弯起来的四根手指头的英文叫什么？猜一英文单词？？答案：Wondeful"
42、 有个人刚学了点英语，就喜欢卖弄两下。有一天他去商店想买一支钢笔，对营业员说：“给我一个pen” 营业员拿了个盆给他， 他说：“no”营业员说：“漏？哪有漏？新进的货”
43、 一周七天英语怎么说——星期一 【 忙day】； 星期二 【求死day】；星期三 【未死day】； 星期四 【受死day】； 星期五【福来day】； 星期六 【洒脱day】； 星期天【伤day】。
44、 初中英语不好，老师就给我换了个英语好的女同桌。一日自习课，看单词看到“husband”有点印象，又不确切，就拿单词问同桌：“老婆？”“不是，老公。”我总觉得是老婆的意思，和她犟上了：“老婆！”她也不甘示弱：“老公！”“老婆！”“老公！”声音越来越大。喊了有2分钟，发现教室忽然很安静....
45、 上英语课，英语老师来到讲台，面对全班学生，露出一丝温和的笑容：“goodmorning，boysandgirls！” 全班同学起立，小明也跟着站了起来，只是，当别人正在用英语向老师问好的时候，他却对同桌小胖说道：“我终于知道英语老师为什么没男朋友了。” “为什么？”同桌小胖忍不住问道。 看到别人都开始坐下，唐金也坐了下来，然后对张小胖说道：“你没听到苏老师刚才说什么吗？” 张小胖却有些纳闷：“苏老师刚才好像没说什么吧？” “小胖，你的耳朵也不太好啊！”小明有些同情的看着小胖，“你没听到英语老师说吗？她说，姑娘摸你，勃一次俺得割二次，你不觉得英语老师对她男朋友要求太高了吗？让一个美女去摸人家，还不许人家有反应，有反应就要阉他两次，这谁敢做她男朋友啊？” 小胖目瞪口呆，人才啊，这货真他妈人才啊，长这么大，他第一次听到这么解释这句英语的。
46、 "The six-year-old John was terribly spoiled（被宠坏的） . His father knew it, but his grandma doted on him. He hardly left her side. And when he wanted anything, he either cried or threw a temper tantrum（乱发脾气） . Then came his first day of school, his first day away from his grandmother's loving arms.When he came home from school his grandma met him at the door.Was school all right? she asked, Did you get along all right? did you cry?Cry? John asked. No, I didn't cry, but the teacher did!六岁的约翰娇生惯养。他的父亲知道这一点，可他的祖父母仍然宠着他。这孩子几乎寸步不离他的祖母。他想要什么不是哭，就是闹。他第一天上学才离" 开祖母的怀抱。约翰放学了，他奶奶在门口接他并问道：学校怎么样？你过的好吗？哭了没有？哭？ 约翰问，不，我没哭 ，可老师哭了。
47、 "A Sunday school teacher was telling her pupils the importance of making others glad. Now, children, said she, has anyone of you ever made someone else glad?Please, teacher, said a small boy, I've made someone glad yesterday.Well done. Who was that?My granny.Good boy. Now tell us how you made your grand mother glad.Please, teacher, I went to see her yesterday, and stayed with her three hours. Then I said to her, ‘Granny, I'm going home,’ and she said, ‘Well, I'm glad’！一个主日学校的老师正在对学生讲使别人高兴的重要性。现在，孩子们，她说：你们当中有谁让别人高兴过？我，老师，一个小男孩说：昨天我就使别人高兴过。做得好，是谁" 呢？我奶奶。好孩子，现在告诉我们，你是怎样使你奶奶高兴的。是这样的，老师。我昨天去看她， 在她那儿呆了三个小 时。然后我跟她说：‘奶奶，我要 回家了。’她说：‘啊 ，我很高兴！’
48、 "(Originally In Chinese)Once there was a child who had lived to be seven withoutever having spoken one word. His parents thought he was dumb. They took him to a doctor, but were unable to find out the reason why he wouldn't speak. No matter what they tried,he did not say anything. One day, as the child was eating soup, in the middle of the meal he suddenly exclaimed, ""Ayah! Too much salt!"" Everyone was startled, ""Ah! Aren't you dumb?"" ""What!"" he replied. ""Who is dumb? I think you're dumb!"" His family wondered and asked, ""Why didn't you say anything for the past seven years, and now all of a sudden you begin to talk?"" He rep" "lied, ""There had never been anything to complain about! But whoever cooked the food toda" "y, put so much sal" t in it. How can anyone swallo w something like this "!?""惜语如金有一个小孩，他从小到七岁没有讲过一句话，父母都认为他是哑巴，带他去看医生也找不出理由，试什么办法还是不会讲话。有一天，这个小孩吃饭时喝下一口汤后，突然说：「哎呀！太多盐巴了！」大家都吓了一跳：「啊！你不是哑巴吗？」他说：「哑什么巴，你才是哑巴，谁哑巴！」他的家人感到很好奇，就问" 他 ：「 怎 么你 七年来都不 讲一句 话，今 天忽 然间就 讲话 了？ 」他说：「 从来 没什 么应该抱怨嘛！今天是什么人煮，放那么多盐巴，那么咸怎么能吃？」
49、 "I Have His Ear in My PocketI Have His Ear in My PocketIvan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, ""What happened?""""A kid bit me,"" replied Ivan.""Would you recognize him if you saw him again?"" asked his mother.""I'd know him any where,"" said Ivan. ""I have his ear in my pocket.""他的耳朵在我衣兜里伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？”“一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。“再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。“他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。”"
50、 Doctor：I can do nothing for your complaint. It is hereditary. Patient：then send the bill to my father，please.医生：对你的抱怨我无能为力。。病人：那请你把账单给我父亲吧。
51、 "Keep feeding him nickelsA mother saw her three-year-old son put nickel in his mouth and swallowed it. She immediately picked hime up, turned him upside down and hit him on the back, whereupon he coughed up two dimes. Frantically, she called to the father outside. ""Your son just swallowed a nickel and coughed up two dimes!What shall I do? ""Yelled back the father,""Keep feeding him nickels!""母亲见三岁的儿子将一枚五分镍币放进嘴里吞了下去，她立刻将他抱起，头朝下不停地拍打他的后背，他咳出了两枚一角的硬币，她发狂似的朝正在外面的孩子父亲喊道：“你儿子刚才吞下了一枚五分镍币，可咳出两枚一角的硬币！我该怎么办呢？”孩子他爸大声回答道：" “再喂他几枚镍币！”
52、 "
The Multi-Purpose Fly Swatter (Originally in English) A mother came home from shopping for tea, and saw that some tea had already been made by her 15-year-old daughter. The mother then asked the daughter, "Did you use the tea strainer?" Because in England they use chopped tea leaves to make tea, and you have to use a tea strainer to strain out the tea leaves, and then drink only the liquid. And the daughter said, "Yes, mother, I did filter the tea leaves. But I couldn't find the tea strainer, so I used the fly swatter." The mother said, "Oh! My God! Why did you do that? You shouldn't have done t" "hat!" And the daughter said, "Oh mother, don't panic. It's just an old one. I" didn't use the new one." 母亲购物回来，想喝 点茶，发现她15岁的女 儿已经泡好茶了， 就问女儿：‘你用滤茶器了吗？’因为英国人用碎茶叶来泡茶， 所以要用滤茶器过滤出茶水来喝。女儿回答：‘妈，我有过滤， 但因为找不到滤茶器，所以就用苍蝇拍来过滤。’母亲听了就说： ‘噢！怎么搞的，你不能这样做啦！’女儿回答：‘妈，你不要紧张， 我 只是 用那 支 旧的苍蝇拍， 没有用 新的 那支 ！&rsqu o;< /p>
53、 "opening Elementary school begins, just over 6 years old of winter winter will not come to school. Mother to dongdong explanation, children with 6 years old shall go to school, until 15 years old. Last winter winter finally before desk sat down and full of tears to ask: when I was 15, you will remember pick me up?小学开学了，刚满6岁的冬冬不肯到学校上学。妈妈向冬冬解释，小朋友满6岁就要去上学，一直到15岁。最后冬冬终于在书桌前坐下来，满含热泪地问：等我15岁的时候，您会记得来接我吗？"
54、 "wipe glass Father entered the son's room, praise, way: well done, son! The window and clean and bright, you are using soap water wipe? Son: no, dad, I am using a sledgehammer.父亲走进儿子的房间，夸奖道：干得好，儿子！窗户又干净又明亮，你是用肥皂水擦的吗？ 儿子：没有，爸爸，我用的是锤子。"
55、 "
for your confidential A: "this matter I just tell you one person, you must the secret for me." B: "trust, not only I want secret for you, I will tell everybody to be secret for you." 甲：”这件事我只告诉你一人，请你千万为我保密。" 乙：”放心，不但我要为你保密，我还要告诉大家都来为你保密。
"56、 "without complain Two people eat together, only two fish, a great and a small. A first big eat, another flew into a rage. ""Not more suitable!"" He complains. ""How yao?"" Another asked. ""You ate that big, if I were you, I would not do so."" ""How would you like?"" ""Of course I is first eat small."" ""That good, you complained, the fish is still there! 俩个人一起吃饭，只有两条鱼，一大一小。一位先把大 的吃了，另一位勃然大怒。”多不合适！”他抱怨说。”怎 么了？”另一位问。”你吃掉了那条大的，如果我是你就不 会这样做。””你会怎 样呢？””我当然是先吃小的。”” 那好哇，你抱怨什么，那条小鱼不是还在那里吗！”"
57、 "刚上班不久，有个公司的A/R打电话来催支票，我循例问了一下他是哪间公司打来的，那男的很有礼貌的说：“Thisis xxx calling from Beach Brother."" 听懂了很开心，不过由于对公司名字还不熟，心想先用笔记下来公司名，省得等下忘记了，正得意忘形之间，顺嘴开始拼写人家公司的名字，还说得一本正 经：""b.i.t.c.h......bitch, correct?""……那男的终于还是没能忍住怒火，近似于怒吼似的对我喊道：""NO!!! B.E.A.C.H.....BEACH!!!!!!"" 接下来的一年里，没再跟这间公司又过任何生意往来......汗"
58、
有次房东问我did u eat anyting yet? 我说no.(没吃) 她听后重复了一遍so u didn't eat anyting. 我说yes...(吃了) 房东老太太犹豫了下，又问did u eat ?我说no.(没吃) 她接着说so u didn't eat .我说yes ......(吃了) 估计她当时要崩溃了
59、 "
Before the final examination, Tom told his mother, "Mom, I had a dream last night that I'd passed today's exam.""Don't trust dreams, dear. It is said what you experience in dreams usually turns out to be the opposite." Mother replied."Then I do hope I'll fail the other subjects in my dream tonight," Tom said. 在期末考试之前，汤姆告诉他的母亲：“妈妈，我昨天晚上做了一个梦，梦见我通过了今天的考试。”“不要相信梦，亲爱的。据说梦中的经历通常与现实相反。”妈妈答道。“那么，我真希望在今晚的梦中，我的其他功课都不及格。”汤姆说。
"60、 "Tom is a very old man. After dinner, he likes walking in the street. And he goes to bed at seven o’clock. 汤姆是一位老人，他喜欢在晚饭后到大街上散步，在7点回来睡觉。 But tonight, a car stopped at his house. A policeman helps him get out. He tells Tom’s wife, “The old man couldn’t find his way in the street. He asked me to take him in the car.” 但是，今天晚上一辆小汽车停在他家门前，汤姆在一位警察的帮助下走下汽车。警察告诉汤姆的妻子：“这位老人在街上迷路了，他让我用汽车送他回来。” After the policeman leaves there, his wife asks, “Tom, you go to the street every night. But tonight you can’t find the way, w" hat’s the matter?” 警察走后：“汤姆，你每天都到那条街上散步，但是今天你迷路了，你怎 么了?” The old man smiles like a child and s "ays, “I couldn’t fi" nd my way? I didn’t want to walk home.”这位老人像孩子般的笑道：“我迷路了?我是不想走路回家。”